Posts Tagged ‘motherhood’

Written: July 31, 2006

Jesus cut his wings to lend him to me for just a while...

There are a lot of pointless tv shows, movies, and music videos that we watch everyday. Rarely do we find something that is inspirational, heart-warming and deep. Or maybe we are just so enthralled and so busy in our own lives that we dont receive the messages that are intended for us….

When my son, Colby, was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis, my first instinctive response was Why him? Why put him through this? But what if its not harder on him? What if God gives him more strength and courage than the rest of us? What if his faith and bravery are for you? What if they are for me?

We all have hardships. We all have struggles. We learn from them and move on, hopefully becoming better people because of it. Colby’s is a daily struggle and fight, not necessarily to learn something. His struggles may not even be for his benefit or understanding but for someone else. Can you say that about your life? Do you ask Why me? everytime something hurts or seems difficult? Or do you appreciate conquering it and sharing what your faith has carried you through? Does it affect only you or do you allow someone else to learn and grow without the pain?

God’s love is dedicated to not only our growth but to our success in overcoming what may seem to be impossible and to achieving more than we thought we could. Colby is here to touch some one else’s life, to help others see God’s love, strength and mercy. Is he here for you? Or are you here to touch some one else? You’ll never know until you reach out…

Its your turn.

Advertisements

I have said before what a daunting task it is to be a mother. I never knew how difficult it was. My mom made it look FAR too easy. The house was always clean and squared away, dinner was always ‘presented’ to us all gathered at the table each night, we never had a lack of clean underwear, and we even enjoyed many a vacation to Disney World, or Six Flags or …..

These are all things that I can’t even FATHOM accomplishing ONCE, nonetheless, EVERY day! I am lucky to have toilets clean and beds dressed. Dinner is a fly-by invention that is eatean in shifts, at best. The laundry is a constant struggle to keep up and vacation?? Seriously? NOT even on the radar.

Here, we struggle with the normal juggling of a family of three kids, a psycho ex-husband, a family pet, and dysfunctional families…except mix in a load of mourning for the death of a daughter/step-daughter/sister, a FULL cup of Cystic Fibrosis and the medical regimen, and a dash of related regrets and stresses. I often feel like I am just barely treading water a lot of the time.

And so, enter the past few months. We have conquered baby girl starting Kindergarten and mommy’s subsequent depression, resulting in the addition of a puppy to keep her company. We have started cheer and cub scouts and RA’s; bussing kids to and fro, but enrich their experiences, I must! Signed up and paid for three field trips, and agreed to chaperone each of them (can’t do just one for fear of jealousy and broken hearts!). And administering benadryl, claritins and breathing treatments daily to attempt to survive the cold season.

I am exhausted, to say the least. My husband and I flirt through out the work day, fantasizing about being intimate again. Only to have finally put everyone to bed and sit to relax, we are too tired to take the time for each other and fall asleep on the couch; awaking with cricks in our neck and knots in our backs. Alas, another day of the same chaos and messy juggle.

Add to this current juggle, the dilemma I currently face. The internal dialogue, the fear of failure and mistakes are haunting me as I type. My eldest (boy, 9) has CF and is currently fighting hard the same colds that the other two are weathering. Only he can’t fight when CF keeps him held back. It is time for a “tune-up.” The infamous 10 to 14 day hospital admittance full of breathing treatments, chest pt’s, finger pricks, and IV antibiotics. All of life and obligations are placed on hold to get him back up and running at his normal tilt. These visits normally come with more surprise and are suggested during our clinic visits (every 3 months), but every so often, I can tell that it’s just time.

So, here I start on another juggle. The placement of the younger two with trustworthy help for the next few weeks, checking in from afar, while I tend to my tough little CFer. Still, the homework must be done, the field trips still attended, the bills still paid, the husband brushed past in frantic travel from one place to another, the laundry still has to be seen and the dog still has to be fed. STEP RIGHT UP! TIME TO SEE THE SHOW!

Our ClanThe greatest job in the world….and the most difficult one. There are ups, way-ups and downs, waaaay-downs. I have experienced many a roller coaster and learn with each corner and roll. I hope to find others that can relate, connect and enjoy. Laughs, tears and the hopes of motherhood…….

Hold on, little one.My son had a rough start into this world. He was over 6 weeks early and, as we would later learn, in distress. We lived amongst the halls of Childrens’ Hospital in the crisp fall months of 2002. I won’t go too deep into details this go-around but I will attempt a visual of my experience…..

Imagine…..

For many years you have imagined visiting Hawaii. The breath-taking landscapes, the crystal clear waters and feeling the sun warm your cheeks. You start planning and saving for
this tropical paradise, dreaming of what you will do and the people you will meet. Finally, you have pinched enough pennies to afford a trip. Elated, you shop and pack and pack some more. How many bathing suits? How many bottles of sunscreen? Do I need a new pair of sunglasses? And so on and so on. Until your day of departure has finally arrived. You are glowing. You can hardly contain your excitement!

The airport is miraculously a breeze. Check-in is quick, the lines seem to speed along and even security is pleasant as you make your way to your gate. You settle in after boarding, resting your head on the back of your seat, close your eyes and anxiously await your paradise. You gently nod off in your daydreams, a gentle smile graces your face.

“Please return your trays to their upright positions and buckle your seatbelt. The captain has notified us that we should be landing shortly.” Hawaii! Oh, how exhilarating! It’s time! You have waited so long! I bet it simply just smells different! Is it going to be like the movies and a woman is awaiting every passenger’s exit, placing a lei over their head as they exit?

You joyfully grab your carry-on and await your turn to exit the plane. Slowly you move towards the door and attempt to peek around heads and shoulders hoping to get just one tiny glimpse. Your counting down now. Only five people ahead of me, now four, now three…

And finally, you have arrived to the exit of the plane. You stand in the doorway wanting to breathe it all in at once, bask in all it’s glory. You stand there, eyes closed, waiting. A breeze lifts your hair and kisses your cheeks, but strangely it doesn’t feel warm and welcoming as you had imagined. It was a chilly breeze. One that forces you to wince in shock and discomfort. As you slowly peel your eyes open they resist at the brightness, not of the glowing sun and blue skies but of white, crisp snow and overcast clouds glaring above you.

How could this be? What happened? Am I dreaming? Some one has made a mistake! This can’t be right! You are greeted by name and welcomed to Siberia…wait, what?! You protest. You pull out your ticket, yes, see, Hawaii.

“No ma’am. There has been a correction, this is your final destination and no return flights are offered. No doubts and no refunds. Buh-bye.”

Packed and dressed for the hot summer weather, you shake in the chill. You stand, stunned and confused. In your daze, your luggage is tossed from the plane and closes its doors and begins to taxi away. Leaving you. Stranded and alone. The other passengers have dispersed. While they seem just as confused as you, they pay you no attention and scramble to find shelter and comfort from the cold. It’s just you and this suitcase of swimsuits and sun-hats, all of no use in this unfamiliar and desolate place.

In the days and weeks and months to come, you learn how to manage your new residence and way of survival. You have clawed, scrounged and fought through it all and now even seem to have found a rhythm and an acceptance of your fate. You still daydream and wonder about Hawaii. What if I had made it there? What would I be doing? How different things would be….

And so, this has been my path. Or, at least, the beginning of it. The harsh reality and eventual acceptance and ownership of a plan gone wrong, a destination never reached. Within hours of my son’s birth he was wisked to emergency surgery; and after a long recovery and many tests, my first born child was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis. I would later learn through consultations and reading material what this meant for him, for me and for our family……Welcome to Siberia.